American Born Villan

Aston Villa, From Chicago to the Holte End of the World


Who Will Play Them?

Who Will Play Them? Ben Stiller IS Gus Poyet

Ben StillerGus Poyet


All right, I admit this isn’t a very good resemblance—but it is passable if you’ve had a few pints and are squinting (preferably through the bottom of one of those pint glasses). And, if it’s occurred to me while watching a game, it’s good enough for this blog. And it would certainly be good enough for a made-for-TV movie about the life of Sunderland’s Uruguayan manager. If anyone can do justice to Poyet’s relentless, comical insistence that the referee look at his watch, it’s the almost-always-entertaining comedian Stiller.


Who Will Play Them? James Franco IS Matt Lowton

And this one doesn’t even require a time machine. Although Franco will have to keep clean-shaven and comb his hair down . . . .

James FrancoMatt Lowton

Kevin Bacon IS, I Mean, WAS, Aron Johannsson

Kevin Bacon

Aron Johannsson

One of them broke the hearts of teenaged girls…the other one broke Panamanian hearts.

I know I’m not the first one to notice this—Johannsson’s nickname is “Aron Bacon,” for crying out loud—but far be it from me to omit the obvious. Of course, any film about the Icelandic-American striker’s life would have to star the Kevin Bacon of 1984, not today. Given that Johannssen wasn’t born until 1990, a full 6 years after Footloose appeared in theaters, we’re going to have to wait for a deep wrinkle in the time-space continuum.

Kevin Bacon Is No Spring Chicken
Kevin Bacon Is No Spring Chicken

Who Will Play Them? Mark Walhberg IS Xabi Alonso

This feature is an utterly pointless time waster, but still: my brain is wired in such a peculiar way that, whenever I’m watching a game—and, despite my repeated pleas for it to stop—it insists on pointing out similarities between top-flight soccer players and well known Hollywood actors. And this one is undeniable. Well, deniable, but still . . . .

Xabi AlonsoMark Wahlberg


“Must you make this connection, oh brain?”

Who will play them? Johnny Depp IS Pablo Osvaldo

Pablo OsvaldoJohnny Depp

Southampton striker Pablo Osvaldo seems to be inspired by the look of Johnny Depp—and looks a bit like him as well. Should his exploits ever rise to such a level that cinematic immortality is required, the casting is a no-brainer.

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